


I Want To Forget, But I Cannot Forget (Order Made)

by Rukazaya



Category: Durarara!!
Genre: Angst, Angst and Tragedy, Coping with Grief, Heartbreak, M/M, Mental Illness, Tragedy, Unrequited Love, Vertigo - Freeform, based on the song ORDER MADE by RADWIMPS, falling helplessly in love, self worth, unbreaking cycle
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-16
Updated: 2016-03-18
Packaged: 2018-05-27 03:35:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 4,145
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6267958
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rukazaya/pseuds/Rukazaya
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Based on Shizaya amv: Order Made by Radwimps, Shizuo is forever chasing after Izaya hoping to catch him one day. He is one step behind, wondering what was this feeling that he wants to forget but cannot.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I bet that someone asked me once very long ago,

  
**Title:** I Want To Forget, But I Cannot Forget (Order Made)  
**Pairing:** Shizuo x Izaya  
**Based on Shizaya amv: Order Made by Radwimps**  if the link doesn’t work, please search youtube for Durarara!! MAD Shizaya Order Made by Radwimps. Thank you

This is a highly experimental fanfic I started writing in 2010, but I never had the courage to post it until now.   
  
It’s best to watch the amv first before reading the fanfic since this is a song fic just like my other songfic “Dying Message” You don’t have to watch the amv first but you’ll get more out of it if you know my inspiration material. I also recommend listening to the song while reading the fics? Ahaha thank you for reading! 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LiUHTg84D1Q

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ibZqBckMngg

 

 

* * *

 

 

"IIIZAAAAAYAAAA-!!!!!"

 

That fucking bastard was at it again!

 

Always. Always. Always.

 

Always! Always! Always! Always! Always! Always! Always! Always! Always! Always! Always!

Always! Always! Always! Always! Always! Always! Always! Always! Always! Always! Always!

  


That fucking BASTARD!

  


I could see the tail end of his black jacket flutter as the tip of red flashes before he disappeared down the stairs that led to the first year classrooms.

  


I was right behind him, pushing the students, the walls,

the doors, the rails, the windows, the desks, the chairs,

and every obstacle.

I reached out

to grab.

  


But he whisked away,

dancing in the air.

 

How the fuck could he fly like that,

as if he had invisible wings?

 

he leaped,

 

jumped,

  
  


rolled...

 

He was always flying one step ahead of me

like a dazzling dream of a butterfly i could never catch no matter how i hard i swung my net in the _summer sky._

  


The butterfly called

 

Izaya.

 

 

 


	2. And I guess that I must have said that I valued the past, So I could be a kind and caring person who would last

  


Stop.

  


 

The yellow sign mocked me.

It mocks me like my bleached hair that never stops people from approaching me.

 

Tom-san, you were wrong.

This blond hair that you told me would work like a warning sign...

  


...was broken.

  


As I walked through the hallways of my school, I was used to having the sea of students part ways for me.

 

Good. Stay away.

 

_Stay away from me you fucking bastards._

 

It was not me that was broken. It was not my fault that all of you were weak like bunch of fallen dry twigs that snapped easily under my feet. It was not my problem that you all _ticked me off_ because all of you were fucking hypocrites, whining about your silly little problems as if the world revolved around you!

 

It was not _me_!

 

But no, there were still some goddamn freaks who didn’t understand.

 

Like this one.

 

"Shizuo-kun! Good morning!"

 

The glasses weirdo childhood associate of mine waved his arm and ran towards me.

  
  


He.

Ran.

Towards me.

  
  


If that was not insane already, I don't know what was.

I didn’t know how to respond to him.

He annoyed me yes. But.

I guess I couldn’t push him away too harshly since his feelings were genuine interest.

 

_hell, who the fuck am i kidding, he only wants to dissect me dammit._

  


"Yo."

 

A firm and solid voice rang from behind me.

 

"Mmm." I grunted in confirmation. That was another one who didn’t fear me. Kadota.

He patted my shoulder and walked away toward the classroom, still waving at me though coolly not turning his head to see my face.

_i know that he's not turning his head not because he fears to see me._

_rather, he trusts that i wouldn't hurt him._

  
  
  


...

 

Tom-san.

I think i’m pretty lucky.

Even with my blond bleached hair that i still bleach in hopes that people will stay away

_so that i will never hurt them_

 

I still have some people close to me.

they're kinda weirdos but...

 

it's not a bad feeling.

Really.  


"Shizu-chan! 'morning!"

 

I gritted my teeth and walked on, ignoring his call.  


"Aww~ so cold today Shizu-chan~"

 

he called out to me again.

Now that one was a true weirdo, who also didn’t heed my warning sign.

I didn’t get him.

He fucking pissed me off more than anyone!

_out of everyone, i wish he'd stay away from me the most._

_'cuz he knows how to push my violence button._

 

&I hate being violent.

  
  


"Shizu-chan~ Are you playing deaf today? Did someone finally hit you on the head hard enough? Did your skull crack and break your brain? Oh I get it, your ears are broken, isn't it?"  


He cackled.

Broken?!

I'm not broken?!

I'm not the one broken here!

The one broken isn't me!

 

It's not me! It's not me! It's not me! It's not me! It's not me! ~~It's not me! It's not me!~~

 

 **FUCK!**  


I've crushed the wall next to me.

  


SEE! It's HIS FAULT! He made me ANGRY and that made me BREAK THINGS!

It's HIS FAULT! ALL HIS!

I FUCKING HATE HIM! Why, _WHY_ can't he stay away from me?!

 

**I'M NOT BROKEN!**

  


IT'S THIS FUCKING WORLD THAT'S BROKEN!

IT'S NOT ME!

IT'S NOT MY FAULT THAT I WAS BORN WITH THIS INSANE STRENGTH?

 

~~_Why isn't he afraid of me?!_ ~~

Fine.

If he's not afraid of me

I'll make _sure_ he becomes afraid of me

I'll fucking

Crush him

Rip him

Tear him

 _Break_ him

& Chase him down to the ends of the earth.

So he'll finally fucking LEAVE ME ALONE

So i can go back to being peaceful.

  


~~_it's what you get for trying to get close to me._ ~~

_i've already warned you_

_to_

_stay_

_away._

  
  


~~_a monster like me doesn't deserve anything._ ~~

  


Tom-san.

When I lay on the ground I wonder to myself

Why the world is upside down.

 

˙dn ǝpıs-ʇɥbıɹ ʎןsnoıʌqo ɯ,ı uǝɥʍ

 


	3. Isn't it great?  Isn't it great?

  
  
  
_“Will you be by my side when I wake up?” The informant asked with his dying breath. Under his eyes were dark circles that were black like bruises, his lips slowly turning blue and cold._

 

_“Always.” I answered as I held his hand that was growing colder and colder. I held it with both my hands, clutching tightly so he could feel mine. Hoping the warmth will transfer. Hoping that he would remember._

 

_He looked up at me and faintly smiled._

 

_“Liar…”_

 

_Those were the last words he spoke to me while the blood on the floor slowly seeped through the knees of my pants as I sat next to him._

 

 _And those last words continued to torment me in my mind as they repeated themselves again and again… again and again… like a broken record player unable to move forward._  


  
Static…

 

Ṣ̢̦̮̤̘̟̤̄ͫ̔̽̐̚t̫̹̺͇̼̮͙͋a̦͙̟̪̖̜̓͂t̠̲̩̦̪ͥ̑͆̈͒͐i͌̌ͣ͌̇č͈͕̜̎ͤͪ̂̑.̦̀̒́.̜̯̗͚̤͖̆̉͡ͅ.̛͙̟̣ͭ̄̅ͅ...

 

 

 

S̵̨̥̦̠̰̹̯̟̯̮̝͚̪̮̺̈́͆̀͆̈́͊̿̅̾̅ͯ̏ͦ͂̽͆̄͊͘ͅţ̸̩̯͕̠̦̿̎̾̐͐̔͒̆̃̓̓ͨ̄̅̃̾̀a͔̦̳͇̫̱̪̮̓͛͌̅̓̊͗̎̾̆̋̄̓ͩ̋͋ͮ͋̅́͜͞͞ṯ̸͚̯̜̼̜͑ͮ͐͑̀î̴ͯ̊ͮ̽͂͐̾ͭͭ́̊ͧͮ̿ͯͥ͟͏̸̗̫͖̞̞͔͕͙̖̙̗̱͖̼͇̖̜c̸̷̻̯̯̜̫͈ͧ͆ͧͨ̂ͮ͆ͤ̉̾́́͡.̢̰͈̟̼̺̲̪ͩ͆̐̐̊̌ͨ̂̀͐̃̿̍̄̂̎̓̈́̐́.̷̴̨̙̭̰̺̳̾̈ͦ̋̓͑ͩ̉̈́̇̚̕ͅ.̬̩̣̖̗̼̼̰̻̲̙͊͐̒ͪͩ͋͌͆̆ͪͣ̾̉̾͞.̵̵̞̫̲̪̤̦̹̹̖̜̣̉ͦ̔̈́ͫͣ̒ͯ̈ͥ́͊͊̿͒͑͢͡ͅ.͓̞͎͍͈͎̳̻͖̼͔̟̦̩͒̎̿͋̋ͬ̄̾̍̿ͮ͗ͥ͛̒ͤͥ̎͝͝.̯͓̩̟͎̺̩̫͍̫͚̙̯̟̪̫͔͓ͧ̅̓̌̆̄̈́͆̒ͦͨͮͧ͐͆̃̚͡͡…….

  
  



	4. One mouth is all I need, two is too much, I fear

  
  


_Liar…  Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar…_

 

_Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar…_

_Liar… Liar…_

  


_Liar….Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar…_

_Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar…_

 

_Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar…  Liar… Liar…_

 

_Liar… Liar…_

 

 _  
_ _Liar…Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar…_

_Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar…_

_Liar… Liar…_

_Liar… Liar…_

  


_Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar…_

 

_Liar… Liar…_

 

_Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar…_

 

_Liar…Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar…_

 

_Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar… Liar…_

  


_Liar… Liar…_

  
  
  
  
  
  


_Liar…._

  
And with that one word alone, you broke my heart into thousand pieces.

 

 

 

 


	5. I want to forget, but i cannot forget

 

_I want to forget, but i cannot forget_

_I wonder what do you call this feeling?_

  
  
  


_I want to forget, but i cannot forget_

_I wonder what do you call this feeling?_

 

 

 

 


	6. You know, the most important are the hearts in your chest

  
  
I walk forward. Each step heavy on this asphalt ground as the skyscrapers tower over me in Ikebukuro. The bowtie around my neck feels tighter today and I loosen it. I walk next to Tom-san as we continue our job in this grey concrete jungle.

 

Am I really walking forward?

Or perhaps I’m walking backwards.

Backwards two steps, forward one, back two steps, forward one…

How does one know… they are walking forward?

 

A merry-go-round spins and spins, the horses bounce up and down along with the happy children laughing as they hung on to the plastic horse’s mane…

 

Tell me Izaya.

 

Are we really running forward?

 

 

* * *

 

 

_“Aren’t they pretty?” You’d ask._

 

_I would turn and shrug. “They’re all the same.”_

 

_“My, Shizu-chan is so un-cute.” You’d say._

 

_And I’d shrug again._

 

_It’s all the same old. The repeating patterns and the repeating questions, the repeating answers and the repeating days._

 

_Nothing changes between us. Nothing will. You’ll always be one step ahead of me._

 

_And I, one step behind._

 

 

* * *

 

 

_ahahaha. ahahahaha….ha..._

 

  
“W-what?”

 

“You’re c… it’s nothing.”

 

He turned away from me and I frowned. he was clearly gawking at me. i took off my blue shades i just got as a gift from Kasuka.  in anger i grab his wrist and pull him towards me.

  
“I said what?!”

  
“I said nothing!”

 

his face was flushed. clearly it was _not_ nothing. so what the fuck was the problem? Was there something on my face huuuuuh??? Was it that funny to look at me laughing??? DOES HE THINK MY SUNGLASSES IS FUNNY? THAT I LOOK UNCOOL WEARING THEM? huuuuuuuuuhHHHHH???!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

“IZAYA-KUN YO! I WILL BEAT YOUR FUCKING FACE INTO THE GROUND UNLESS YOU TELL ME!!!!” I SNEERED INTO HIS FACE LIKE A MAD WOLF WITH SPITS DROOLING OUT OF MY MOUTH. I WILL BEAT HIS FUCKING FACE IN FOR LAUGHING AT ME. I DARE HIM! I DARE HIM TO CONTINUE TO-

  
“T-that’s not it y-you dumbass! I just… I just thought…!” HE HANGS HIS HEAD AND THAT FUCKING BASTARD HAS TO NERVE TO TURN RED WITH ANG-

 

“... it looked cute but never mind. You’re uncute as always.”

  
…

 

my head blanked out as I stared at him blushing, avoiding our eye contact. wait what…. what did he just-  
  
  
But already he had forced his wrist free from my grip and ran.

 

_He was always running._

 

_And I… am always one step behind._

 


	7. I'm sorry, but I don't need the heart that's on the right,..., I don't want to take more than need be given

  
  
  
“Ah, Tom-san. My watch broke.”  
  
_When did it break?_  


Was it when I punched that guy into the air?

 

Or was it when I threw the guardrail at that car?

 

I can’t remember.

 _I can’t remember. _  
  
Do you sometimes feel the gears turn jagged? When something feels misaligned… when things just don’t go right as soon as I wake up. As if I woke up on the wrong side of the bed? Or am I in the wrong side of the mirror?

Why was I born this way? Like a damaged good or a broken toy? I never fit in anywhere like a wrong gear in a clockwork.

No one matches with me. No one.

Then I hear a certain flea’s voice.

“Shiiiiiizu-chaaaan~”

That nonchalant voice that grates my ear.

Then… the clocks start turning again.

I run.

 

And I hear distantly in the fading distance, “not again…” as Tom-san fades away into white noise.

Everything blurs save for the black hoodie jacket that bounces and flutters like a butterfly just out of my grasp.

I reach for it.

 


	8. This is so that when I find someone important to me,  I can hold them close and hear both of our hearts beat

  
V

E

R

T

I

G

O

 

 

> you

fall

> in
> 
> love

 

when

does

one

fall?  
  
  
  
sometimes i wonder if you dug that endless abyss for me to fall.

because you would do that won’t you?

 

you would do that and watch me fall with you

and laugh.

 

throwing yourself down that darkness head first before me.

 

but i miss your laughs.

so i fall with you.

  


i would have gladly given you the other half of my heart if you asked.

yet you steal it from me. desperately. as if i wouldn’t have given it to you at all in the first place.

 

not just half.

my whole heart.

 

you stole all of it you little shit.

couldn’t you have given me a tiny part to keep?

 

but no. you took it all.

i love you

 

did you ever know that?

 

i’ve always loved you.

 

where are you now? with my heart?

 

i look inside my empty chest that you’ve carved out with your knife.

couldn’t you have…. at least

_given me part of yours?_

 

 

 


	9. So I can feel something is missing when I'm alone

 

_“Hey,” you asked. “would you remember me after I die?”_

_what a stupid thing to ask._

_“What do you think?”_

_You only smirked in reply._

  


I want to forget, but i cannot forget

I wonder what do you call this feeling?

  


Memories persist and my heart is restless

I wonder what is the meaning of this?

 

 

 


	10. Memories persist and my heart is restless

  


have you ever had a moment where you remember something you’ve forgotten for years? like a pandora box that opens and it’s a video recording of an old forgotten movie playing before you.

did that really happen? i ask myself. did i really do that? i think again. did it really happen that way or am i thinking i did it, or imagining that i did it?

sometimes i daydream of things i wish i had done, regretting things i haven’t said, sometimes i daydream of being a hero, sometimes the overwhelming self pity gets to me and i imagine myself dying and i wonder if anyone would cry that i died. would anyone write about me? think of me after i had died?

i’m such a waste of a life. why am i bothering to live?

then i remember why.

 

 

* * *

 

“Shizu-chan’s such a monster in human disguise.” The little shit flapped about some nonsense again.

“Call me that one more time and I’ll make sure you’ll regret it.” I growled.

“Haha? Really? And how will you manage that Shizu-chaaaan~”  
  
“Continue to talk and I’ll rip that smart mouth of yours!”   
  
“Shizu-chan’s so greedy. You already have two arms and two legs. Two ears and two eyes…. Even two nostrils to breathe. Now you also want my mouth?” he winks at me.   
  
“The most important isn’t my mouth Shizu-chan.”  he places a finger on his chest and makes a circle. “You know, the most important is the heart in your chest.” 

“If I carved my heart out and gave it to you…”Then he touches my chest with that same finger and makes a circle.  
  
“You’ll have two hearts, mine and yours in your chest. Isn’t it great?”

“Isn’t it great for a monster like you, Shizu-chan?”

Again I growled and snarled through my nostrils.

“Oh please forgive me for being selfish, dear fucking fleeeeeeeea!! But I don’t want to take more than I need!” The words spitted out between my teeth.

He confidently smirked back at me with a Cheshire cat grin.  

“Unfortunately for you and me, I am peeeeeeeeeerfectly fine with just one heart! I’d rather feel the emptiness on one side of the chest than feel your disgusting flea’s heart beat right next to mine!”

 

And you stood there smiling, the playful smile fading away like mist.

The sadness slowly sinking in his ruby eyes like the sunset falling into the crimson horizon.

 

Thinking back, back then, I spoke in haste.

Words said in spur of the moment,

even if I want to,

I can’t take it back anymore.

  
Back then I didn’t realize I’d rather hold you close and feel your heartbeat right next to mine.

 

Yours on the left,

mind held opposite.

Mine on the left,

And yours on the right.

Now I can feel something is missing when I’m alone

I have learned that I can’t live without that heart.

 

But words were said in spur of the moment,

I can’t take it back anymore.

  
I should have said, one mouth is all I need,

two is too much, I’m afraid to say.

 

I really don’t want to ever say things I don’t mean,

or two mouths to argue and self doubt myself,

 

I just need one mouth, one alone,

for that only one person in the world I’d ever want to kiss.

 

You were right,

Two is too much for me after all.

 

 

 


	11. 'Tears' are an option, just so that you know

 

_ They say it was an accident. _

_ That even the great Orihara Izaya could make mistakes. _

  
  
  


_ They say it was a local gang _

_ Members that Izaya had toyed with and forgotten about. _

  
  
  


_ But they didn’t forget. _

_ They didn’t forget.  _

 

 

 

 


	12. Instead of strong, I knew that I would want to be, Someone who could learn just what 'important' means

  
  


  
“Ah, Tom-san. My watch broke.”    
  
_ When did it break?  _   
  
  


Was it when I punched that guy into the air?

 

Or was it when I threw the guardrail at that car?

 

I can’t remember.

_ I can’t remember. _   
  


 

"Shizu-chan!  'morning!"

 

The goddamn FLEA again as he hugs me from behind. I’m caught off guard as he wraps his arms around me briefly. 

 

"Aww~ so cold today Shizu-chan~"

 

Then he runs off laughing, melting into the crowd. 

 

“IIIIIIIIIIIIIZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!” I let out a roar as I rip a street railing to throw at the damn flea.

“Not again,” Tom-san sighs once more.

It’s MY fucking job to chase him out of this town because this fucking FLEA keeps invading my territory!! 

The vending machines and telephone booths are my missiles. I’m TOTALLY ready to CRUSH that fucking flea once and for all!   
  
“Shizuo! You need to stop!” My senpai reaches out to try to stop me, holding onto my shoulder.    
  
My anger slowly fades as the burning red slowly passes. I look down to realize Vorona is also staring at me with a worried look. I realize she’s a bit apprehensive as she holds onto my wrists, preventing me from throwing the trash can to the other trash can running away.

“He keeps coming back! I told him to leave but he won’t listen!!” I toss the trash can and try hard to quail the rest of my anger. It’s still burning inside like a volcano, ready to erupt at any moment again. It won’t take much to trigger it once more.

All it ever took was the sight of that flea in my life after all.

“Shizuo.” Tom-san looks at me with a grave look.

 

“Izaya died three years ago. It’s time you come to terms with it.”

 

I stare at him in confusion. I turn back to look and I still see him.

The tail of the fur coat trim disappearing around the corner as the flea runs away from my sight. 

He’s right there!

Right  _ THERE! _

So why….  _ why can’t anyone else see him?!!!! _

 

 

 


	13. How would you prefer that your tears taste?

  
  
  


Sometimes you fall in love with the most unexpected person and at the most unexpected time. 

Sometimes you never realize you were in love with someone despite the pounding heart or heartaches. 

 

Despite this pain in my chest that squeezes all the air out of my lungs.

 

Sometimes you mistake the feeling for jealousy or hatred,

sometimes for embarrassment or shame.

 

Tears are an option, just so you know. 

You don’t have to not cry and let your emotion dry up.

Ignore it so you pretend you’re not in pain. 

 

If you don’t have them, then you have nothing to lose right? 

Some people just don’t want them and decline if they can choose. 

 

What about you?

What about you?

 

But you see…

I choose the tears. I wish to be a kind and caring person who can show sympathy. 

Instead of this ridiculous strength, I wish I could choose the tears

So that I can be someone who grows up to learn just what ‘important’ means.

 

But love is so mysterious, I can’t understand it. 

Sometimes there’s no words to describe this feeling you’re having. 

Sometimes you fall in love with the most unexpected person and at the most unexpected time. 

Sometimes you never realize you were in love with someone.

 

Despite the pounding heart or heartaches. 

Despite this pain in my chest that squeezes all the air out of my lungs. 

 

Sometimes you miss what’s ‘important’ to you.

 

I want to forget, but I cannot forget

I wonder what do you call this feeling?

 

Memories persist and my heart is restless

I wonder what is the meaning of this?

  
  
  


All I ever wanted was just one person to kiss with one mouth.

Just one heart instead of two, so I can feel the emptiness of the other heart in my chest. 

So that when I hold him dear, I can feel our hearts throb together. 

If I could, I would choose to have tears instead of this monstrous strength,

So that I grow to be a compassionate person who knows the meaning of what’s ‘important.’

If I could trade my monstrous strength for tears…

I’d rather shed an ocean of tears than to live another second without you.

  
  
  


I want to forget, but I cannot forget

I cannot forget.

I wonder what you call this feeling?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	14. Don't forget to smile as you look to the sky! And show me your crying face, full of pride!

  
  


“Shizuo.”

 

“Shizuo…”

 

I blink my eyes open, slightly confused and disoriented. I’m not sure how I got to Shinra’s place again. It’s happened before… each time I get a headache and I forget. And Tom-san brings me back here. I have a splitting headache once again, the blood rushing to my ears and Shinra’s voice echoes inside my head.

“I want you to listen to me very carefully.” He says as he holds out one pill on each of his hand.  
  
Shinra asks,

“Tell me, to you, which means the most? The past or the future?”

“Which do you want?”

“Which do you want?”

 

I blink my eyes open and stare at Shinra and Celty who looks very worried.

He has asked me this before too. Which pill I would rather have.

I stare at Shinra and Celty in front of me, giving me the choice to move forward.

_I’m always one step behind._

 

I turn back and I see the flea….Smiling with that Cheshire cat grin as he hugs me from behind, his arms wrapped around my neck.

  
“Shizuo.” Shinra repeats grimly, holding out the two pills. I snap my attention back to him.  
  
“This pill, will help you forget. In order to move forward, I really suggest taking the blue pill. It’ll help you. But...” Shinra takes a deep breath.

“You always want the red pill don’t you, Shizuo? You can’t let him go.”

“But we’re worried about you.”

“Tom-san and Vorona,”

“Kadota and even Celty and I…”

“Tom-san doesn’t think he can continue to hide the truth from the police anymore… they might find out about your… condition.”

I can feel Izaya’s arms squeeze me from behind. Telling me not to let him go. Like a noose around my neck that tightens slowly.

“So Shizuo, please think carefully.”

“So which do you want?”

  
  
“So which do you want?”  
  
  


 

 

 


	15. Do you mind if I ask one more thing before I go?

  
  
  


I turn to face the man with raven hair, with eyes of scarlet sadness, like a falling sunset into the crimson horizon. 

He remains voiceless.

He holds out his hands. In his hands are one pill each.

One blue.

One red.

This time let me choose to have the tears over the strength

so I can be a kind and caring person

who could learn just what ‘important’ means.

Thank you so much for giving me this choice once more. I hope I won’t bother you again. 

I’ve given you a hard time haven’t I? Sorry about that, but now we’ve reached the end.

Do you mind if I ask one more thing before I go?

  
  


Have I…. met you somewhere? 

You look like someone I know. 

 

He doesn’t answer me. 

Voiceless.

Instead he holds up two pills.

Blue pill

Or the Red pill. 

 

The blue pill…

….or the red pill. 

 

Have I met him somewhere?

He looks like someone I should know. 

I stare again at his hands.

 

_ The blue pill or the red pill? _

  
  
  
  


 

 

 


	16. Have I met you somewhere? You look like someone I know.

 

 

"IIIZAAAAAYAAAA-!!!!!"

 

That fucking bastard was at it again!

 

Always. Always. Always.

 

Always! Always! Always! Always! Always! Always! Always! Always! Always! Always! Always!

Always! Always! Always! Always! Always! Always! Always! Always! Always! Always! Always!

 

That fucking BASTARD!

 

I could see the tail end of his black jacket flutter as the tip of red flashes before he disappeared down the stairs that led to the first year classrooms.

 

I was right behind him, pushing the students, the walls,

the doors, the rails, the windows, the desks, the chairs,

and every obstacle.

I reached out

to grab.

 

But he whisked away,

dancing in the air.

 

How the fuck could he fly like that,

as if he had invisible wings?

 

he leaped,

 

jumped,

 

rolled...

 

He was always flying one step ahead of me

like a dazzling dream of a butterfly i could never catch no matter how i hard i swung my net in the _summer sky._

 

The butterfly called

 

Izaya.

 

 

 

 

 -the end. 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \-- Author’s note:
> 
> I actually started writing this around October 6, 2010 when my friend Erina showed me the video on niconico douga. I never had the courage to post it because I thought I wasn’t good enough. And by the time I wrote three chapters, someone had posted a fic based on Order Made, so I kind of gave up, because I was afraid I’d be compared. I didn’t read those fics so I hope this fic is different from their’s.
> 
> I wanted to write a story where you can feel the wind and you can feel like you are parkouring with Shizuo. And you can feel Shizuo’s mind derail and you feel yourself seeing from the perspective of the delusional schizophrenia and yet, a beautiful mind. A mind trapped and unable to move on. Of someone who is still ‘trapped’ in love and unable to move on. Thanks to my friends, I finally got the courage after 6 years to finally finish the fic and post it.
> 
> Huge thanks to Hachi, Chrome, Rem and Rabu for giving me that courage. I hope it is a decent read. I understand not everything is explained in this fic. It’s meant to be a puzzle, similar to my other song fic, “Dying Message.” 
> 
> Even though it’s not my preference to explain my own fanfics, I’d rather not repeatedly answer the same questions so I’ll answer them here. I’m guessing the main questions are about Izaya and which pill Shizuo chose.
> 
> For Izaya, the hint is in chapter 4, 8 and chapter 11. Izaya has an accidental run in with a local gang who hates him. Shizuo finds him bleeding out and stays with him in his final moments. (don't ask why Shizuo didn't take him to the hospital, let's say that they all knew that Izaya won't make it alive)
> 
> As for Shizuo’s choice, if the last scene didn’t explain it then, it’s based on the 2nd part of the lyric that goes:
> 
> “ And I guess that I must have said that I valued the past  
> So I could be a kind and caring person who would last  
> Instead of strong, I knew that I would want to be  
> A weak but gentle person who could stay in memories”
> 
> So yes, he chooses the red pill. Again and again. It’s a vicious cycle.
> 
> Again thank you for reading and I hope the fic is half as good as that amazing music video that inspired me to write this fic.
> 
> Thank you for reading and reviewing. ♥


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